Ben Bashford

A little while ago I heard one kid say to another “I hope Beyonce doesn’t have a baby like Britney or she’ll shave all her hair off”.

This morning I overheard a conversation between a heavily made-up teenager in an oversized army surplus jacket and a dad (I assume it was her dad) who was a bit like Keith from Eastenders with peroxide blonde heavy metal hair and really bad roots

Her: “He won’t let me on the computahhh – He always says he’s doing sumfing”

Him: “Why don’t you get your own computahhh?”

Her: “Er, yeah. Like with wot money?”

Him: “Well I’m not letting you on my computer again after what happened last time – there was green smoke coming out of it and it still smells of eggs. Think you gave it a virus or something.”

I looked around for cameras – that’s almost as good as Richard Blackwood saying that paedophiles make laptops smell like hammers.

In other news: Woman dies after her pet camel tries to have sex with her